your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
