Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
