I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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