my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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