Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
