mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
