Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
