I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I came so hard my ears popped.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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