I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Green mimosas i think yes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
