I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
