that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
