I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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