Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I supernannyed him into submission
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
