You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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