she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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