Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
