seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
