i may or may not be watching the land before time
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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