They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
