just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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