new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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