im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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