Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize