i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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