I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
