He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
