Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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