I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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