you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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