Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
