Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
