Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
