People in love make me want to vomit
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
