my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
