this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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