just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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