i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
