I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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