The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
