i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
