so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
