I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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