the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
