My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
