Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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