I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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