Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just found puke in my bra..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
