Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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