I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
