Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
